Walkerton Pentecostal Church

Description

Doing something “so that we’ll be loved” is a trap many of us can get caught in. Learn how to escape it.

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” 1 Peter 5: 6-7 (NIV)

My friend, Kathrine Lee, once challenged me with this question: Are you doing this because you are loved or so that you’ll be loved?

Her question is a great one.

Doing something “so that we’ll be loved” is a trap many of us can get caught in. When I do something because I’m trying to get someone else to notice me, appreciate me, say something to build me up, or respect me more, my motives get skewed.

I become very “me” focused. I put unrealistic expectations on myself and the other person. And I can get stinkin’ angry when I don’t feel more noticed, appreciated, or respected.

I can get all twisted up and take my frustration out on myself and that person in an unfair way. I typically sabotage my own efforts and bend to discouragement and defeat.

But, doing something because I am loved is incredibly freeing.

I don’t view the relationship from the vantage point of what I stand to gain. Instead, I look at what I have the opportunity to give. I am “God focused” and love directed. I keep my expectations in check. And I am able to lavish the grace I know I so desperately need. I live free from regret with clarity of heart, mind, and soul.

So, how do I know if I’m doing things because I’m loved or so that I will be loved? See how easy or hard it is to apply this Scripture:

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.” (1 Peter 5: 6-10 NIV)

Because I am loved, I can humble myself.
When I’m trying to be loved, I must build myself up to look better.

Because I am loved, I can cast all my anxiety on Him.
When I’m trying to be loved, I cast all my anxiety on my performance.

Because I am loved, I can resist Satan and stand firm in my faith.
When I’m trying to be loved, I listen to Satan and stand uncertain trying to rely on my feelings.

Because I am loved, I know God will use this to make me stronger – and I want that.
When I’m trying to be loved, I don’t want to be made stronger – I want life to be easier.

Indeed, I want to pursue life, relationships, and the goals I set from a healthy and free vantage point — because I am loved.

Dear Lord, I don’t want my motives to get skewed today. Help me to not be so ‘me’ focused. I want to live each day knowing that I am loved. Living because I am loved is freeing. I long to stop trying so hard. I know You love me, Lord and that You are making me stronger. Thank You. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Application Steps:
Isn’t it interesting how much easier it is to apply scripture when we’re doing it because we’re loved? As you read your Bible this week filter each word, teaching, and story through this perspective. Record the difference between reading God’s truths because you are loved vs. trying to be loved.

Reflections:
Doing something “so that we’ll be loved” is a trap many of us can get caught in…but, doing something because I am loved is incredibly freeing.

Power Verses:
1 Corinthians 13:4, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.” (NIV)

John 8:12b, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk I darkness, but will have the light of life.” (NIV)

Description

Character is not something you have, it is something you are.

His name was Barnabas, and as players go, he was a minor character in the story of the first century church. But in the life of a man named Paul, he was huge. Barnabas didn’t get top billing in the book of Acts; Peter and Paul were the main men. Barnabas was a “background” kind of guy: quietly serving and loving and encouraging those on the front lines of battle. Is there a Barnabas in your life?

We need encouragement from others. And we need to be encouragers for others. When Barnabas saw all the good work that was going on in Antioch, “he rejoiced and began to encourage them with resolute heart to remain true to the Lord.” In other words, he said “Atta boy!” or “Good job!” as often as he could. Studies have shown that praise for good behavior is twice as productive as correction for bad behavior—but most of us are quicker to point out another’s shortcomings than to praise their progress.

Barnabas was a man of character—and character is not something you have, it is something you are. Character will be expressed by a man’s choices and his behavior. Barnabas chose to use his gifts for the good of the Body of Christ in Antioch, and he encouraged Paul to do the same. Men of character do not believe that they are diminished by another man’s successful contribution. Barnabas wanted the church at Antioch to benefit from Paul’s powerful preaching and teaching, so he encouraged his brother in Christ to join him in the work. Who are you encouraging today?

MEMORY VERSE

For he was a good man, and full of the Holy Spirit and of faith.

READ THROUGH THE BIBLE

2 Chronicles 19; Jeremiah 23-24

At the end of the day, your tone, my tone should be extraordinarily loving toward our spouses. Why? Because, again, as Christians this is how we are supposed to respond to Christ’s incredible love for us. If you are not a Christian, I promise you that there is no better way to draw your spouse to you than having an extraordinarily loving tone.

Now tone is important for all areas of your marriage: how you reconnect at the end of the day, when you are talking to your kids, when you are talking about the calendar, when you are talking about money. But for the sake of making this application extremely doable, I want to focus on just one specific area of your marriage when it comes to tone: conflict. I’ve chosen conflict, because conflict can be one of the most destructive things in a marriage when it is not handled well.

And here is why it is so important for us to be aware of our tones during times of conflict—this is very important, so don’t miss this—because tone is usually the culprit. Most of the time, the issue you’re fighting about isn’t the culprit; your tone is the culprit. Many couples will admit they have damaging fights about stupid things. Married people say all the time, “We fight about the dumbest things.” I know that can be true for my wife and me. We recently had an argument over the stupidest thing. I had taken our two youngest kids to the grocery store, and she had taken our oldest to football practice.

Now, before you women get too impressed and say to your husband, “You never go to the grocery store, much less take two kids,” you should know that this was a really rare thing. It was so rare that I didn’t know that the new grocery store she was sending me to only took cash or debit cards. After the hour it took me to gather the relatively short list of items, it was time for me to check out. After ringing up all the items, I ran my credit card through the machine. The clerk said, “Oh, I’m sorry sir, we don’t take credit cards; we only take debit cards or cash.”

“Oh,” I said. “Let me go and look in the car to see if I have either.”

I walked outside and looked in my car. I had neither. So, in my panic, I called Nancie, and my tone was not good. She did not appreciate my tone, and she let me know it. I said, “I can’t believe I am standing here at the grocery store with two kids, and you are frustrated with me, because I don’t have a debit card.” We said a few other things that I will keep to myself. Let’s just say we both had to apologize profusely later that evening.

But here’s the point. It wasn’t the issue that caused the fight. The culprit of the fight was not that I forgot the debit card. The culprit of our fight was tone—primarily mine. My tone was not loving with my bride whom I love so much. Almost everyone can struggle with tone, but especially during times of conflict. In fact, for many of us, during times of conflict, that is when our tones can be the worst. We can be the opposite of the words we are encouraged to be in those verses.

Instead of a tone of compassion, we can have a tone of cold-heartedness.

Instead of a tone of kindness, we can have a tone of hard-heartedness.

Instead of a tone of humility, we can have a tone of arrogance.

Instead of a tone of gentleness, we can have a tone of harshness.

Instead of a tone of patience, we can have a tone of impatience.

Instead of being forgiving, we can so easily hold grudges.

Let me ask you a question: Which of these do you tend to throw out the window most quickly when you and your spouse are experiencing conflict? Is it compassion? Is it kindness? Is it humility? Is it gentleness? Is it patience? Is it forgiveness? You see, almost all couples struggle with conflict; it’s how they deal with it that makes the difference. And I would say, their tones are the biggest part of that difference. Here is the really good news. We really can change our tones to be extraordinarily loving.

There is a really practical way for us to do that, and here it is: When you are experiencing tension in your marriage, ask yourself this question: What’s my tone when things are going wrong? Again, What’s my tone when things are going wrong? The next time you feel frustrated or a conflict starts between the two of you, notice your outward appearance. How are you standing? Are your arms crossed? Are you being condescending? Are you being sarcastic? Are you too loud? Have you withdrawn? Or maybe you just stormed out of the room?

Now for you advanced students, I want to challenge you to take this thing a step further. But first I must warn you—this could be a dangerous question and could start a huge fight. At the same time, it could be one of the most important things you ever do for your marriage. Are you ready? Okay, here goes. At some point this week, ask your spouse this question—it’s the same question—What’s my tone when things are going wrong?

You can do this. You can change your tone. How do I know? Because I changed mine, and my wife would say she changed hers. When we hit our fifth year of marriage, my tone was not good. Nancie would agree.

But some wise people spoke life into us by lovingly saying, “KNOCK IT OFF.” We took those words to heart, and we did indeed knock it off. In fact, I would wish our marriage on any couple, not because we are perfect, but because we have made some small changes with things like tone, and it has made a BIG difference. The reason I do what I do is that I believe small things, like changing your tone, can make a huge difference in your marriage, too. My wife and I say all the time, “We’re the big people. We get to choose to be nice.” You get to choose to have an extraordinarily loving tone with your spouse.

Here is what I know about most of you—you want your marriage to be great. So don’t let small moments of frustration rob you of what you want for your marriage big picture. Make sure your tone is extraordinarily loving, not just for your marriage, but as a response to God’s extraordinary love for you. I pray that God blesses your marriage. Remember, you can do this. The best news is, God wants to help you.

This article excerpted from What’s Your Tone? by Ted Lowe.

When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me? (Psalm 56:3-4)

Fear is a formidable foe of faith. It lurks about, looking for ways to lead us into distrust of our Lord. Fear is subtle with its sneak-attacks on our attitudes and bold in its frontal barrage on our beliefs. Fear always fights back, even when we extinguish it for a time with our total trust in God. And it doesn’t let up until we get to heaven. Fear is like fire ants. You can eliminate their unholy mound with a baby powder-like deterrent, but they regroup and rebuild nearby.

Trust in the Lord is the terminator of fear, but fear seems to recreate itself with whatever appendage of doubt is left. It grows within the next uncertain circumstance that comes our way. Fear thinks it has us in check on the chessboard of our life, but the truth is Jesus checkmated fear on the cross. Now it is up to us to appropriate His triumph by trusting in God.

There are many times when we are in transition from fear to faith. It’s in the transition of trust in God that our cares co-mingle with Christ’s care. There is a holy tension that transpires in our transition into trust. It is in this dawn of trust that light gradually overcomes darkness. Faith dissolves doubts as the sun drives away the mist. Your mind may be a little murky, but you renew your thinking (Romans 12:2) with the truth that God is ever present. Your confidence may be crumbling, but you keep your eyes on your Savior. Your prayers may be clumsy, but you still cling to Christ. Your relationships may be reluctant, but you rely on the Lord. Use this transition from fear to faith to grow your mercy and compassion. Indeed, doubt can drive us to God, and it grows us into more patient and humble human beings. It strengthens our trust and makes us hold faster to heaven. Hope trusts in this transition from fear to faith.

Moreover, mortal man has not made a permanent impression on the saints of God. Immortal and Almighty God is your new insignia. Embedded on the coins of your character is the faith-filled inscription, “In God I Trust.” Followers of Jesus have the eternal seal of their Savior as their newfound identity (Ephesians 4:30). Do not allow the patterns of your old life to feed any fading fears in your new one (Romans 6:6). The fears of your proud past have been replaced with faith, love, and hope in your humble here and now. Faith has banished fear.

Therefore, you can continually celebrate. Praise points you to Providence. After all, it’s all about Him. This is why faith brings forth praise. When you trust, you can’t help but sing from your soul. Indeed, faith in the Lord facilitates praise and is a product of praise. It is in our praise of God that our fears fade and our faith flourishes. So praise Him, trust Him, and fear no one. No one can take from you what you have already given to Him. Faith is a fear-killer; it overcomes.

A teacher from San Diego recently attended a workshop of mine in which I explain the simple fundamentals of “Leadership Parenting.” The fundamentals in question are nothing new. They were known, intuitively, by parents who raised children before The Big Wet Blanket of Psychobabble was thrown over parenting common sense some 40 years ago, when parents led and children followed. I have long maintained that I am not saying anything new.

Someone may say, “But, John, times have changed dramatically since the 1950s! For example, there was no Internet back then! No cell phones!”

To which I say, “Times have always changed, and every parent generation has been confronted with new considerations. What didn’t change, however, were the fundamental understandings that guided the raising of kids. They were passed from generation to generation. We abandoned that continuity in the 1960s, and things have been going downhill ever since.”

Anyway, said teacher got it. She understood that the fundamentals of “Leadership Parenting” are also the fundamentals of “Leadership Teaching.” Primary among said fundamentals is the need to say what you mean in the fewest words possible and mean what you say. That is how one gets a child to respect and obey legitimate authority. Reward and punishment may accomplish that same end, but only temporarily.

It is not enough to be in a position of leadership. There are plenty of examples of people who occupy positions of leadership who are not effective leaders. Many politicians fall into this category. In that regard, it is interesting that many of today’s parents act more like politicians than leaders. They are concerned with approval. They explain themselves, which is the mark of people who lack confidence in their own decisions. They engage in debates with their children. They offer entitlements to their children and then wonder why their children take them for granted and demand more and more entitlement.

Effective child-leaders are never undone by children. They are in complete, unflappable possession of their authority. They maintain their cool, purposeful confidence in the face of anything and everything children are capable of throwing at them. They can’t be disarmed.

The San Diego teacher wrote me a month later to tell me the following story: “A teacher came to me with a child who had been throwing crying tantrums for weeks. She was currently having one. I happen to have a bathroom in my classroom, so I very calmly told the child that I had a special place for her to go to when she was having one of her tantrums. It was a nice safe place that had its own desk (which I moved in), a toilet, tissues for her tears, and water in case her crying made her thirsty. I told her she could cry as loud as she wanted, because no one would be able to hear her. After 15 minutes in her special ‘crying place,’ she had stopped crying and finished all of the work she had missed in class. Her teacher was thrilled. So was I!”

I’ll say it again: This stuff isn’t complicated at all.